I am sure that there are some people who will wonder why my grief is still profound years later, that I need to 'get over it' that 'I never knew her' and that my loss doesn't count.
Let me tell you what my daughter meant to me.
I don't know my blood relatives, I am adopted. And I have never had a sense of 'belonging' in the way that those of you who are 'grounded' in your own families have.
I had already had several devastating pregnancy losses before Elizabeth came along. She was the result of years of hoping, of dreaming, of wondering if it would ever happen to me.
And I loved her from the moment I knew I was pregnant. I loved her despite the weekly treks to the hospital for scans because of previous problems. I loved her because she was going to give me the opportunity to have the closest relationship ever.
But she was born asleep. And I looked at her face, and I held her hand and my heart broke. The midwives phoned the hospital chaplain at midnight and she came and sat with me whilst I lived the nightmare.
The next day, I sat waiting for the car to take me home, clutching the booklet that said 'What to do after the death of a child' and I could feel the eyes of people on me as I wept silent tears.
I felt alone. In many ways I still feel alone. None of my friends has lost a child (and she was my child, I never heard her cry, I couldn't teach her anything, I was never able to share my love of music or ice cream or my sense of humour but she was mine)
My mum and dad didn't know what to say I don't think. What can you say? Sorry seems such a non-word in circumstances like this.
I had this 'stone' where my heart should have been. I had never felt as though I wanted the moon, I just wanted Elizabeth ( she was named for my own middle name- I was so shocked that I could think of little else, Frances for my Grandmother)
Afterwards, I spent many hours walking, alone. Couldn't imagine ever feeling normal.
I read a leaflet, provided from the hospital which said 'It's hard to support someone else when you are bent double yourself'
That was me, I felt (bloody selfishly really) as though I was the only one going through this.
How does a parent cope with the loss of a child? I'm not sure you ever really do, I think that you just become accomplished at 'putting a face on'.
There isn't a day goes by when I don't think of Elizabeth, when I don't wonder what she would have been like.
My daughter looked like me, and as a person who knows only one blood relative ( my son) that is an amazing thing.
Read other related questions on Quora:
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from Quora http://ift.tt/2f1rB2T
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